In Defense of St. Nick

Recently, I uncovered the largest case of stolen identity the world has ever known, but somehow the public appears to be blind to it. Call it a conspiracy theory if you want, but please, dear reader, listen to and comprehend this information.

I recently attended Dr. Wally Metts’s discussion on his new project, the Santa Papers, and learned about a man named Nicholas of Myra. Nicholas was a kind old fellow who loved the Lord and left a legacy of giving away his wealth to the needy and providing anonymous gifts for children. He led a happy life, though it included trials of famine and undeserved jail time. He was peaceful, except for when he slapped a heretic, and lived up to his name, which means “the people’s hero.”

His legacy should have stopped there, as a happy man who loved the Lord, but it has recently come to my attention that a rumor is circulating about Nicholas of Myra. This rumor is that he is still alive, is more than 1,500 years old and is residing in the arctic tundra.

Apparently, Nick’s doppelgänger spends his days illegally running a reindeer ranch without a license and operating an aircraft made out of wood that is clearly not up to code. He has also been reported to keep a list of names of small children whose houses he breaks into in order to watch them sleep. When breaking and entering, if no door is found unlocked, he will even slink down sooty chimneys.

This impostor has a variety of aliases, including Sinterklaus, Father Christmas, Papa Noel, Santa Clause and worst of all, Chris Kringle, a variation of Chris Kindle, meaning Christ child.

This Santa character is known to drink Coca-Cola, consume copious amounts of milk and only own one pair of clothes. He also keeps a variety of height-challenged slaves who work in his sweatshop making toys. He has tried to keep his disguise by continuing the tradition of leaving children gifts that Nicholas of Myra started, but because he is often seen on TV and at malls endorsing commercialism, his cover is feeble.

This is a plea, dear readers, to remember the real Nicholas of Myra. Remember his teachings of generosity and kindness. Please don’t buy into the fallacy of a stolen identity, for as harmless as the modern Santa may seem, it is the original St. Nicholas whose selfless nature left a legacy.

There is nothing wrong with the joyful giving of gifts, as this is exactly what God does for us, but the greed, competition and stress so often advocated by the current state of mind is lamentable. There is a terrible, age-old conspiracy to misconstrue Christmas, but please take time to remember the real St. Nicholas, or better yet, the Christ he so dearly loved.

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Alexandra Harper

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